Co-de-what? : Codependent

A few years ago I was having coffee with a friend at her home and venting about life (in this instance all the ways I needed my husband to step up and contribute to our relationship, finances, managing the household, etc. and how his continued refusal to do so hurt and upset me). She said something about how I couldn’t let someone else’s decisions and actions dictate my happiness. I remember saying something along the lines of “he’s my husband, his actions impact me directly.” I could not even contemplate what she seemed to be suggesting: that if I could not live with his behaviors then I needed to set boundaries that may include ending the relationship.

After this conversation she recommended that I look up codependency and recommended some books on the topic.

I did not know it at the time, but that coffee date would be the first minor shift in my life that would eventually lead to major life changes. I am forever grateful to have friends that aren’t afraid to share the hard truths, even if I don’t get it at first.

Having coffee just the two of us (and not with my husband) had been at her request. It was normal at that time for me to include and invite him to every get together with friends. When she told me she thought I might be codependent I interpreted it as this: I need to schedule time with friends without him and do things that will make me happier. So I slowly started to do things that interested me on my own with friends and build relationships independent of him.

I did not understand at the time how this was but the tiniest tip of the iceberg.

If you go look up Codependency, you will likely see it in relation to people in relationships with addicts. Neither me nor my husband were addicts so I did not understand how this would apply to me and I did not look into it further at the time. I believe everything happens for a reason and I think the Universe knew I was not ready for this lesson yet. 

I did not understand the full depth of my codependency until after the relationship ended. Only then could I look back on every relationship I’d been in starting at 16 and see how time and again I had betrayed myself in order to receive love and acceptance. This was a lesson unintentionally passed down through family due to unresolved trauma. I’m a third generation codependent, so it didn’t look exactly the same as a traditional codependent relationship. 

[If you haven’t read this post, please do so before proceeding. Below is as brief a family history as I could manage for context.]

My maternal grandmother was in an abusive relationship with my mother’s father who was a drug addict and alcoholic. My parents got pregnant at 16 with me and my sister. Their marriage lasted only a year and my mom went from relationship to relationship my entire childhood changing who she was to adapt to her current partner and putting their priorities ahead of everything else. Even as a child I knew none of the relationships were healthy, but even knowing that I did not know what a healthy relationship would look or feel like. I grew up believing my mom stayed in these unhappy relationships due to financial dependency. After getting out of a bad relationship when I was 8 she told me that she had stayed for me and my siblings because she could not provide for us financially. I swore to myself I would never be in a position where I could not afford to leave a toxic relationship. I did not understand that you could be emotionally dependent and end up just as stuck even if you were the financial supporter. Due to her own unresolved trauma, my mother was emotionally unavailable and verbally/mentally abusive to her children as she projected that trauma onto us. I did not come to understand all of this until recently.

In my first relationship and my marriage all they needed to do was say that my opinion or behavior was unacceptable to them and I would adapt. Sometimes guilt or punishment was used to get the behavior they wanted. I did not recognize the behavior as abusive while it was happening and I excused it. Even going so far as to defend them when these things were pointed out by friends.

Two (of many) lessons I have learned from these experiences:

1. You teach people how to treat you by what you accept.

2. You accept what you believe you deserve.

In my first relationship I betrayed myself because everyone told me how wonderful he was and from the outside I can see how he looked like the ideal boyfriend. My mother told me he was the best I was ever going to get and I better do what it took to keep him.  This was classic codependent advice, but I did not know any better and I believed her. My two best friends had graduated early and I was left with only this relationship. When we went to college he further isolated me out of his own insecurity and jealousy, even from my sister. 

In my marriage I believed he was “just trying to make me a better person.” This was based on the false beliefs I held that I was damaged, uncultured, could not trust myself, and needed to be fixed.  In romantic relationships I believed I “needed” them and was afraid that if I lost them there would not be anyone else that would want me.

I wrote the poem at the end of this post when I was 19. That was the closest I came before my recent realizations and transformation to realizing how much of a problem this was in my relationships. I left my second college relationship around that time and went out of state for an internship to give myself space. I did a little better standing up for myself in this relationship because the thing he criticised about me most was that I refused to try drugs with him. Because of my grandfather and some other family history I have always been afraid of addiction and adamantly refused to try any drugs. No part of me believed that refusing to do drugs was a bad thing so it held no power over me when he used it to criticize me as narrow minded. In the summer of 2007, after returning home from the program, I had an experience that resulted in my landing back in that relationship for a sense of normalcy and safety. By the time I got out of it again for good, I did not trust myself in making relationship decisions.  I took several months off from dating and I entered my relationship with my ex-husband determined not to make the emotional choice and screw it up again. But that’s a story all it’s own.

I started seeing a new therapist in 2019 who asked me in a session “why do you feel like he knows you better than you do?” I couldn’t answer, but I knew it was true. I can see so many fights where I stated my opinion or what I wanted and I was told that wasn’t really who I was or what I wanted. And I backed down. There are so many examples of when I knew I was right, but I deferred to his opinion only to be angry at myself later for the outcome.

It was only in starting the journey of recovering myself after pregnancy loss that I started to stand up for myself [project #LivingMyBestLife – a story for another time] and show up unapologetically authentic. As I regained my identity and learned self-worth I recognized more and more where he was criticizing me and I had let him tell me who I was. It was through this process that I realized my friends knew and loved me, but my marriage had only worked because of my continual willingness to betray myself to be good enough in his eyes or to keep the peace. Throughout all of this I suffered from depression and anxiety. I numbed by being a workaholic.

Living my best life now is showing up unapologetically myself. Showing people how to treat me by setting and upholding boundaries that honor my self worth. Being in a relationship with someone I want, but don’t need.

After 17 years of struggling with depression, anxiety, and self-worth I am now living every day with joy and gratitude. It has been a long journey and I hope sharing it will help others to overcome similar experiences.

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I can play the part

I do it very well

Whatever you want

I’m your girl

I can dress any part

Preppy or punk rock

Tell me what you want from me

Draw me with your chalk

Sexy in black

Or angel in white

Tell me what you want

I will do it right

I can wear pretty make-up

Or act like I don’t care

Wear whatever you want

Or do something with my hair

Play dough in your hands

Puppet on a string

Tell me what you want

I can be anything

I do it all for you

Whoever you are

Whatever you want from me

I’ll be that plus more