Life is full of trade-offs, but just because we make the decision to trade one good thing for another does not mean we don’t feel the loss of the trade-off. If you are in a season of change, I hope you are giving yourself permission to feel whatever you need to feel and sharing it with those close to you that have earned your trust and vulnerability.
2020 was a significant year for me and I don’t just mean because the world was in a never-before-experienced pandemic state. I started 2020 separated and going through divorce. I finished it living in the new home I designed and built, fulfilling a lifelong dream.
Having moved constantly throughout my childhood without feeling secure and having made choices on my first two house purchases that felt out of my control, this was the first neighborhood and house that felt right. The first place I truly felt at peace.
Everything, from the floors, to the cabinets, tile, fixtures, and paint colors were my choice. All of the furnishings and décor represented my style and personality. Being in the space felt like being wrapped in a favorite cozy blanket. Safe and secure.
In 2020 I was also navigating a new relationship and all the challenges that come from learning to love again while maintaining independence, setting boundaries, being vulnerable, and learning how to communicate.
A few months ago my partner decided he wanted to buy a house and asked me to move in with him when he did. The conversations and subsequent move brought on a mix of emotions.
Gratitude and joy that our relationship has gotten to this point.
Vulnerability in deciding to leave my home to live with someone in a space I did not control, something I’ve never done before.
Loss and grief of leaving the first house that felt like home and a neighborhood I loved.
At first I considered renting out my house so I could keep it, but that decision was more emotional than logical. Several people asked if I was keeping it in case I (or we) wanted to move back into it and the answer was no. I don’t see myself ever moving back into it. Once I accepted that, I looked at it from a financial sense and decided to sell, which brough on more emotions of loss.
I know the sense of safety I found in my independence does not exist within those walls and that the accomplishments of the last two years do not cease to exist just because I sell the house, but the loss is still something I am processing while navigating making a new house with my partner feel like home.
When we have strong emotions, it does not serve us to ignore or deny them. Instead, we need to first feel and then seek to understand. Journaling our thoughts and feelings can be extremely helpful in this process, as can talking to a friend. However you do it, the important thing is to make time and space for the emotions without judgement or shame.
Believe Grow Glow 