When I was working in tax I remember my supervisor telling me to always go back and review even the things you know you put in, just in case. Because tax return preparation can be repetitive and the mortgage statement you absolutely remember putting in might have been on a different return or maybe you forgot to save your work after. The point was, make no assumptions.
This same practice can be applied to our daily lives. We can get trapped in so many stories that we are telling ourselves that we know to be the absolute truth, but in reality if we bothered to test that thought or belief we would find that there is a whole world of other truths out there.
Our “truths” are based on our family of origin, the community we grew up in, and the experiences we’ve had in life thus far. There are as many “truths” about some things as there are people to argue about them. Everyone has their own experiences that led to the foundation of core beliefs under which they operate.
Someone that believes they already know everything is apt to be rigid, not teachable, judgmental (after all, if they are right about everything then everyone doing/being/believing something differently is wrong). They are unlikely to live a full and fulfilled life because they aren’t growing. They don’t see the need.
Someone that believes someone else (a parent, partner, friend, sibling, or even the collective “they”) knows everything is limited by the person or group that they put their belief in. They are unlikely to live a full life because they aren’t confident in their own opinions, thoughts, and beliefs (if it differs from the other person who is “right,” then they must be wrong). They do not live authentically and are unfulfilled.
Both of these scenarios are of a fixed mindset. People with a fixed mindset are likely to lack self-esteem (even those that appear to “know” everything), play the victim role, and not take ownership of past behaviors or future outcomes in their lives. These people may have some external successes, but internally they are unsatisfied.
The alternative is to have a growth mindset. People with a growth mindset are open to others’ opinions. This does not mean they always change their own, only recognize that there are multiple “truths” in most situations. They are curious about themselves and the world. They believe in the capacity for growth and seek to become self-aware. They examine past experiences to learn from them. They know that when it comes to personal opinions and tastes there is not always a “right” and a “wrong,” so they feel content in their own authenticity while allowing space for others to be themselves. They are confident and have an abundant mindset. They see opportunities in every situation and they expect and prepare themselves for challenges.
Which of these do you relate to the most?
“The unexamined life is not worth living”
Socrates
I did not recognize that I was in a fixed mindset for many years. I didn’t even know the terms. I had been to therapy many times and analyzed my childhood until I felt like there was nothing left to learn. I thought I was self-aware, but I only “knew” all the reasons I was “broken.” I was still stuck in my identity as the poor, uncultured girl from a difficult childhood with damage that made me undesirable (as a person, partner, friend, employee, etc.).
After my divorce, as I began to reflect I realized I had been living with some “truths” that actually weren’t true at all, but that had never been questioned. Some had been rooted in childhood and reinforced in my codependent relationship while some came as a result of the relationship. They were wrapped up in shame and unchangeable (to my mind at the time) truths, so sharing them never occurred to me. When a friend or family member did pick up on something and try to tell me differently I wasn’t ready/open to hearing it. “Truths” that impact our identity are some of the hardest to challenge.
I will share some here in case anyone else is feeling this way and needs to know that they are not alone.
Lies I Believed…
- I’m difficult to love and therefore should be grateful for every small bit of love/kindness I receive and not ask for more. [i.e., what I give, an equal partner.]
- He hasn’t done anything to “deserve” being left. [i.e., hit me, cheat on me, or some other massive wrong-doing that I thought was the only way to justify hurting him by leaving.]
- He criticizes me for my own good, because he loves me.
- I need him to stop me from doing stupid/crazy things and embarrassing myself or ruining my life. [i.e., he knows better than me in every situation, most notably not building a house where I now have built a house and love living.]
- I’m not a sexual person and it’s my fault my husband doesn’t want to have sex with me.
- I want too much out of life.
- If I’m not happy with what I already have I will never be happy.
- Enjoying the simple or common/mainstream things in life makes me “basic/plain/simple/stupid.”
- I’m not a “workout person.” [and generally allowing him to tell me what “kind of” person I am/am not despite how I actually felt about anything, denying my experiences and authenticity.]
- I’m vain (for appreciating or being confident in anything about my appearance) and don’t deserve to be complimented because of it.
- I’m not interesting and don’t offer much in personal relationships (because I wasn’t interested in the “right” things and nobody wanted to hear about the things I was interested in).
Believe Grow Glow 