Warning: Discussions of depression, self-harm, and suicidal thoughts.
A friend recently recommended the book The Midnight Library. As soon as I read the description I knew it was something I needed to read.
When I was a freshman in college I wrote a story for English class about a girl who attempted suicide. In the story, the girl was discovered by her sister and rushed to the hospital. While unconscious, the girl dreamed of the life she would have lived if she had not decided to commit suicide that night. When she awoke she was grateful to her sister and to be alive.
If my professor ever guessed that it was a story of self-reflection and how hope for a better future was the only thing keeping me going every day he never said anything. From the outside I looked like a healthy college freshman, making excellent grades, participating in extracurricular honors organizations and in a relationship with a nice guy. Nobody would have guessed I cried in my room alone most nights after my boyfriend went to work.
In high school and college, my suicidal thoughts were the most prevalent and front of mind. In more recent years it manifested more subtly, for instance my inability for years to drive over a bridge without fantasizing about driving over the edge. I frequently fantasized about some disaster coming and forcing me to start over in life – my house burning down, flooding, etc. I was not consciously aware of how much I did not want to be living the life I was choosing or that I had choices and the ability to change my situation. I did not realize how much I did not love myself. I did not understand that I was still depressed because I thought I was doing well not to be in acute distress (i.e. crying in the shower on a regular basis). My baseline did not include joy and self-love because they had not been modeled or taught to me.
I never harmed myself in an obvious way because had anyone noticed I would have been forced to explain things I did not even understand myself. When I was in a particularly bad place emotionally I pinched and scratched myself, either as distraction or punishment. When I was self-loathing I denied myself food when I was hungry and told myself I did not deserve to eat.
I am grateful every day not to be living like that anymore. I want to share these things now because they could be happening to you or someone you love. If it is you reading this, you are not alone. You are not weird. You are not broken. You are not crazy. You are not damaged. You do not need to be fixed. You are human. You are hurting. You are surviving. You are worthy of love and compassion, from yourself and others. You do not need to feel ashamed. You can heal and grow.
After my pregnancy losses I was lost and looking for direction. I knew things needed to change and not just try to recover to how I felt before getting pregnant. I did some reflecting and recognized that I had been unhappy even before the trauma, acute grief, and severe depression of my losses.
In addition to therapy, I used several different books to adopt new habits and start making changes. In that process I discovered Brene’. The quote below from The Gifts of Imperfection inspired me to open up and show up more authentically with my friends despite the fear of rejection. I hope that my sharing her work and its impact on my journey will introduce more people to her life changing research. I encourage everyone to read her books, listen to her podcasts, or watch her TedTalks or Netflix special.
Courage is a heart word. The root of the word courage is cor – the Latin word for heart. In one of its earliest forms, the word courage meant “To speak one’s mind by telling all one’s heart.” Over time, this definition has changed, and today, we typically associate courage with heroic and brave deeds. But in my opinion, this definition fails to recognize the inner strength and level of commitment required for us to actually speak honestly and openly about who we are and about our experiences — good and bad. Speaking from our hearts is what I think of as “ordinary courage”
Brene’ Brown
You are not responsible for the trauma you have experienced, but you are the only one that can decide it’s time for change and take action. I promise that your best life is waiting for you on the other side of courageous action. It won’t be easy, but it will be so worth it.
Some writings from my old journals
2004 – Calm
You look at me & see a calm face.
You never assume my expressions are lying…
But if only you could hear the way my thoughts race,
Or see the tears that I long to be crying.
2006 – Blade
Blade so sharp
Blood so dark
Ease this pain
In my heart
Leave me now
To ease my pain
Set me free
Before I go insane
These thoughts
Never end
These feelings
They’re not pretend
So with this blade
I set me free
From this pain
I do flee
Believe Grow Glow 