Transformations: Anxiety

I have mentioned before that I used to suffer from anxiety. I had an event earlier this week that reminded me of the difference in mindset and perspective that I have now compared to just a few years ago.

I used to be a person that could not cope with change. On a good day, a change in plans would cause anxiety and on a bad day a full-on melt down panic attack. I was described, and identified, as a Type A Control Freak.

I do not know when my anxiety started, but I clearly remember my first panic attack.  It happened when I was 16 and working at McDonalds. A guy from my school came in and wanted to order a sausage egg biscuit and drink. I suggested that it was more cost effective to order as a combo and so he did. I realized after giving him his food that the order was not identical because one included cheese and one did not. I watched him sit down and unwrap his order terrified that he would come back to the counter angry with me. My entire body flushed, and I had to take a break and go into the walk-in cooler to calm down. I can recognize now that it is just a piece of cheese, but at the time I was unable to cope with having made the error and the fear that he would be angry.

Some other things that caused me to have melt downs over the years include:

• Being told at my first CPA job that I would be moving desks to allow the new person to sit outside of the managers office as I did not need the assistance anymore and she would. I lost 4 hours of productive time that day over the anxiety of that change.
• Not finishing a painting at a wine and painting class. I was so upset that it caused one of the biggest fights of my marriage. I was embarrassed by my behavior but could not calm myself down. The instructor helped me finish and we were the last to leave. My ex-husband forbid us from ever doing a creative class together again and we never did.
• Accidently paying over $40 for lunch in a foreign country due to not understanding the language/conversion rate.

When the time came to get pregnant, I approached it like everything in my life:  I planned, researched, and executed. I read Taking Charge of Your Fertility:  The Definitive Guide to Natural Birth Control, Pregnancy Achievement, and Reproductive Health, which I highly recommend any woman read. I did not have a good sexual education course in school, and I learned so much about my body by reading this book and paying attention. I started eating healthier and working out so that I would be in better shape in order to have a healthier pregnancy and postpartum recovery. From December 2016 – May 2017 I dropped from a size 10 to a size 4/6. I was in the best shape of my life up to that point when I started TTC. I cut out alcohol, took all the vitamins for the recommended amount of time, and started eating a TTC/Pregnancy approved diet. I got pregnant the first month TTC.

And then the universe taught me the most important lesson I have ever learned:  Control is an illusion.

We can do our absolute best and do everything right, but we can never guarantee that everything will go according to our plan. And if we cannot cope with that, we cannot live our best life. We can only control how we respond when things do not go our way. If we get stuck in victim mode (e.g., “Why me?” or “It isn’t fair.”) we cannot move forward.

At 5am on Monday morning, after leaving Starbucks to head to New Orleans for a photo shoot months in the making, my make-up artist texted to say she had woken up with a 102 degree fever. I got this text just in time to have my boyfriend pull over at a gas station instead of getting on the interstate. I told him I needed a minute. I calmy thought through my alternatives:

1) Cancel. I really did not want to as this was already the 2nd time we had rescheduled due to weather;

2) Find another artist at 5am. I called a friend who I know to be an early riser, but she was headed out of town;

3) Do it myself. I rarely wear make-up. Typically I do my own makeup less than once a month. I enjoy the way I look in make-up, but I never got into a habit of wearing it daily.

After about two minutes sitting with whether I would do it myself or cancel I decided to go for it. I had some trial and error, but overall was happy with how it turned out. After curling my hair, it was not what I had envisioned, and I was momentarily disappointed and stressed. Then I had the thought that there was not time to do anything else, so I decided I’d go for a messier look and it would still be great. We had an absolute blast at the photo shoot with Tony and the images we previewed in camera looked amazing.

If this scenario had occurred a few years ago, I would have canceled the photo shoot and cried. I would have been extremely upset for having to cancel a third time and mad at the universe. Or I would have had a melt-down while trying to do my hair and make-up. Instead, I had a great day, will have great photos, and I am grateful that the universe reminded me how capable I am and how far I have come.

I share this because I know a lot of people struggle with anxiety and feeling ashamed or embarrassed for feeling the way they do. It is not easy to deal with anxiety and a lot of people do not understand why you’re upset. You may not even understand why you’re upset. It is rarely about what it appears to be about.

It sounds impossible but trust me that mastering a positive, grateful mindset and giving up the illusion of control will set you free. I do this by trusting in myself (I cannot control what happens, but whatever happens I know I will be okay) and the universe (Look for the lesson from the universe and you will find it. Whatever happens, trust that there will be good that comes from it.). This transformation came from a lot of self-awareness, reflection, and personal development.

Some books that helped:

The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown

You Are A Badass by Jen Sincero

Didn’t See That Coming by Rachel Hollis