How can we destigmatize divorce?

I’m proud of you. I know that you loved him and how badly you wanted it to work, but it’s about time. 

~A friend I will forever be grateful to have in my life

This is what one of my best friends told me when I called to inform her that I had separated from my husband and would be getting a divorce with no chance or desire for reconciliation. I was so shocked by her response that I grabbed a pen and immediately wrote it down.

There is so much pressure and stigma in our culture around leaving your marriage. We bend over backwards and suffer much longer than we should out of fear:

Fear of being a failure

Fear that we are expecting too much or asking for too much

Fear that we alone are the problem and it would all be okay if we could just fix ourselves

Fear of hurting our partner

Fear of giving up too soon

Fear of being alone

Fear of what everyone else will think of us

Fear of being labeled damaged goods

Fear of change

Many of us did not have loving and stable relationships modelled for us as children. We grow up looking for love and without knowing what healthy love looks like we recreate the trauma that we are used to calling love. 

We tell ourselves our struggle is normal, because we don’t know any differently. It feels the way we were taught love feels and makes us feel the way about ourselves that we are used to feeling. We hear stories of how marriage is hard and takes work. Our partners tell us their own versions of the story and we doubt ourselves. We work harder to reset expectations and be happy.

As a society, we encourage people to try and try again as if being divorced and single again is the worst thing that could happen to us. I am sure that people giving this advice have good intentions, but some of what they are speaking is fear and scarcity to people that already have plenty of both. After all, if they ended up in a toxic marriage they probably accepted that treatment and allowed it to continue over time because they started from a mindset of being unworthy or damaged and just grateful that someone was willing to put up with them. Maybe in a previous relationship someone told them that expecting someone to be excited about being their partner was too much to ask for. That they were too picky and their expectations were too high. So in the next relationship they ignored the red flags and accepted not getting what they asked for the sake of being loved by someone. Just me? I really don’t think so.

If someone has come to you saying that they are thinking about or have already decided that divorce is the path for them, trust me when I say they have given this countless hours of agonising thought. They may have known or been living in denial for weeks, months, or even years that their marriage was over before making this decision.

So, how can you support them through this time?

• My friend’s response was perfect. In that simple response there was acceptance, encouragement, and no judgement. She did not pepper me with questions or offer advice. She showed that she trusted my judgement in making this decision about my life in a fragile time where I was questioning everything. 

• Acknowledge the vulnerability of this person opening up to you about one of the most difficult decisions they have ever had to make in their life. The best support I got from friends during this time in my life was validation of my feelings and support for doing what I knew to be best for me without judgment. I also had less than ideal responses that were probably made with the best of intentions and I will speak to those in what not to say below.

• Do not speak doubt into their experience. Someone at this point is at the height of their emotions and unpacking years of trauma. Everything may not make sense to you. They are still trying to make sense of it themselves. Do not question them with all of the whys or ask what they’ve done to avoid this outcome. That implies that they need to avoid this outcome at all costs. They don’t owe you any justification for their decision. Even questions meant to help you understand may make them feel like you do not support them. Let them tell you their story in their own time. 

• By all means if someone asks for your advice on how to save a relationship, offer whatever resources you can. In the event that they do not come asking please don’t offer unsolicited advice on how marriage is difficult for everyone. Do not give your opinion on what a nice person their spouse has always seemed like to you or how perfect their marriage looked from the outside. They know. They probably worked very hard to preserve that appearance, either consciously or unconsciously, to themselves and others in their attempts to make it work. They may not have felt safe to be open about their experiences previously. They may have stayed because they did not believe that they deserved better and now they are ashamed that they did not have the courage to make this choice sooner.

• If you have religious beliefs that discourage divorce please respect that their beliefs may be different from yours. If their beliefs are the same as yours, they do not need you to remind them. They have already considered those beliefs in their decision and all you are doing is adding guilt or shame to their experience.

• Remember that they are not you. If your relationship has been to the brink of divorce and been salvaged, that does not mean the same outcome is possible or desirable for them. You and your partner have your own story. Relationships that are salvaged require healing work and accountability from both partners. It is possible this person has already tried whatever you did and it did not have the same outcome.

• Upon the topic of my divorce coming up with a stranger and him seeing that I appeared to be put on the spot to explain, he told me “happy marriages don’t end in divorce.” I think that was the perfect summation and acceptance. I did not feel the need to explain anything to him and I was very grateful.

• Children were not a factor in my divorce, but I share this next part as a child of many divorces, as a friend to someone whose parents stayed together “for his sake,” and through conversations with people who have had to consider children in their divorce:  Your child(ren) needs parents that know how to love themselves, set boundaries, and model a healthy relationship. Staying in a relationship that does not allow you to fully be yourself or happy only harms your children. Children learn how to live and love from watching you. In Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead, Brené Brown asks “Are you the adult that you want your child to grow up to be?” I would further add to this:  is your relationship the one you hope your child ends up in? Do you give and receive the level of love, acceptance, support, grace, compassion, intimacy, and engagement that you hope for your child? 

Overall, when someone shares with you remember that this is their life story, their experience, and their path forward. What if the courage it takes to leave and start over allows that person to finally grow into the person they were always meant to be and live the life of their dreams?

My advice for anyone currently considering divorce is this:  Only you know what’s right for you.  

You might not believe you do so you keep quiet or poll everyone around you for answers. If you sit in the quiet and listen, the small voice inside of you will eventually be heard. When it speaks, don’t be afraid to trust how you feel. Follow your intuition. It knows the way, you’ve probably just had it on mute for a while. Believe that though there will undoubtedly be bumps along the path, in the end everything will be okay.