Disclaimer on toxic behavior stories

In sharing my story, I will be sharing stories of unhealthy and unkind treatment I have experienced in my life. It is not my intent to vilify these individuals.

I have come to believe that each of these individuals was doing their best at the time. Through continued learning I have come to the opinion that these behaviors were the result of their own insecurities, fears, shame, and unresolved trauma. I no longer hold anger towards them, but their behaviors did impact my life in big ways and are part of my story.

All stories have two sides and I can only speak to mine.

If you are struggling with understanding toxic behavior, I highly recommend reading Brene’ Brown. Her stories and research (particularly in Daring Greatly) have had a profound impact on my ability to understand my own behaviors when I was stuck in shame and have compassion for those that have hurt me from their own places of shame and unworthiness.

While I believe that hurting people hurt people, I do not believe that excuses the behavior or means you have to tolerate toxic people in your life. Setting and upholding boundaries is an act of self-love.

“Even in the context of suffering—poverty, violence, human rights violations—not belonging in our families is still one of the most dangerous hurts. That’s because it has the power to break our heart, our spirit, and our sense of self-worth. It broke all three for me. And when those things break, there are only three outcomes, something I’ve borne witness to in my life and in my work: 1. You live in constant pain and seek relief by numbing it and/or inflicting it on others; 2. You deny your pain, and your denial ensures that you pass it on to those around you and down to your children; or 3. You find the courage to own the pain and develop a level of empathy and compassion for yourself and others that allows you to spot hurt in the world in a unique way. I certainly tried the first two. Only through sheer grace did I make my way to the third.”

― Brené Brown, Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone