If you’re familiar with investments, you’ve probably seen the disclaimer “Past Performance Is Not Indicative Of Future Results.” I’m putting a little bit of a different spin on it today and saying this applies to people too.
They say people don’t change… well, I’d like to show you how wrong “they” are and hopefully inspire you to go after that thing you’ve been thinking is out of your reach.
The life I am living today was beyond the vision and belief of the girl I was a few years ago. I would have observed myself and thought this life was impossible for me. I would have told myself a lot of stories about this girl that made her so much more capable than me.
My weight and commitment to physical exercise yo-yoed for years. I believed, due to my family being overweight and hearing my entire life that we were big boned, that I was physically incapable of being smaller than a size 6. I believed my hips were too wide to ever fit into anything smaller and 150 pounds was my body’s happy place. Despite believing this, I was not happy at that weight and did not love my body. At 27 I lost the left side of my thyroid and have been managing and battling with Hypothyroidism for the last 6 years.
I was a workaholic. I excelled in position after position, quickly escalating in my career in both title and salary. While I received a lot of recognition and admiration for this from friends and family, I was left stressed out with no work/life balance. I had grown up without financial security so I was determined to always be secure, but it came at the expense of my health and relationships.
I was quiet, shy, and socially anxious because I believed that nobody would want to talk to me as I had nothing interesting to contribute. Going to networking events was experienced as a necessary evil. I hyped myself up on the way to actually go and speak to a stranger so it wasn’t just a waste of time.
For a lot of my 20s I dressed like I was someone’s elderly auntie. I was uncomfortable in my own skin, didn’t think I could put on make-up well to save my life, and everything was billowy or had layers. In an attempt to improve, I brought my partner or a friend whenever I went shopping to help me pick out clothes.
I was in a relationship that did not nurture me for 11 years. I communicated how I felt, got no response, and excused the behavior believing I was lucky he was willing to be with me.
I was in therapy on and off from the age of 16 for depression. From 16 to 25 I refused to go on medication for anxiety and depression. At 25 I was on anti-depressants and had a fast-acting prescription for panic attacks. The medication made me feel like I was living in a fog. Instead of helping with my depression it made it even harder to get out of bed every day and make it to work.
I did not trust myself or love myself. I did not understand the depth of my unhappiness because I did not realize my definition of happy was “not actively in distress.” I was told by my partner that there was no reason for me to be unhappy and I believed that something was just wrong with me.
Today, my life could not be more different. My life is vibrant, healthy, full of joy and excitement for the endless possibilities I now know are out there for me if only I choose to go after them.
I trust my intuition and believe in the universe. I no longer feel the need to control or know everything. I no longer battle with depression and anxiety. I no longer feel like I need a partner to survive or achieve my life goals.
As I write this, I am 4 weeks out from competing in my first NPC Bodybuilding competition in Bikini class. The girl that would not join the high school swim team with her best friend because people would see her in a swim suit. The girl that believed she could never be smaller than a size 6. The girl that could not eat in public for fear of judgement so she went hungry in school rather than eat in front of classmates. The girl that for years told herself she did not deserve to eat now eats for fuel and without shame. After the show I will reverse diet and put weight back on intentionally. I do not know what size or weight I will settle on, but I trust it will be healthy for my body and that is all I need to know.
In 2020 I achieved my lifelong dream of building a house in my dad’s hometown after allowing myself to be talked out of it for years. I love my neighborhood. Every day I am grateful to wake up and be in an environment that feels safe, secure, and comfortable. I am grateful to be surrounded by décor that brings me joy.
I know what I deserve and set healthy boundaries in all types of relationships. I know my value as a partner and I have a partner that believes in, encourages, respects, trusts, shows up for, and loves me.
“Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.”
― C.G. Jung
We are what we believe we are. We achieve what we believe we can achieve. We get what we believe we deserve. We tell ourselves stories that we don’t even realize have been on repeat in our heads for years.
Are you ready to Wake Up to your unconscious beliefs? Only once you make this choice and commit to the journey is this type of transformation possible.
Believe Grow Glow 