To the mother who never got to hear herself called Mommy.
To the mother who is not sure if people would judge her for considering herself a mother because they cannot see her child(ren).
To the mother who has been dreading this day because she does not know if she will be included or remembered.
I see you. I am you. And I am here to tell you that today is for you. Today is for you to do whatever brings you peace or joy. To honor yourself and your lost child(ren) in whatever way brings you comfort.
“Grief, I’ve learned, is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give, but cannot. All that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go.”
― Jamie Anderson
5/8/2018
11/20/2018
4/11/2019
These were the anticipated due dates for my pregnancies. Yesterday was the third anniversary of my first due date. The day that was going to make me a mother. Or so I thought. My journey through pregnancy loss and recovery taught me that we do not become a mother the day our child is born. We become a mother the first time we see that positive test. An outcome many of us spent years planning and preparing for before taking the leap of trying to conceive.
Though I felt this so strongly, there were many times I doubted or felt that I did not have the right to call myself a mother. It seemed that other people did not consider you a mother if you did not earn the badge through birth, sleepless nights, and years of sacrifice for the sake of raising a child. Who was I to claim that title when I had done none of those things?
Our love for our child exists and grows abundantly before we see that first heartbeat or ultrasound. Something I know first hand because I did not get either of those experiences in my first or third pregnancy, but I loved them and grieved for them the same as the son I got to see growing within me.
When I ended up in the ER at just 5 weeks pregnant with my first child and no known cause of the pain could be determined without tests that would jeopardize my child, I made the choice not to have those tests. A mother’s love and selflessness is not created at the birth of her child. It is something we have within us and give to them the moment we learn they are ours.
I am a mother. And so are you. I hope today is everything you need it to be. I hope you are not afraid to speak your truth and ask for what you need.
The artwork at the heading of this post hangs in my home. The title is MamAngel and it is by Marrus, a local artist I have followed for years. When I saw it at her booth at the Louisiana Renaissance Festival I saw a beautiful representation of a loving motherly spirit holding my children the way I never could.
Believe Grow Glow 